Wednesday, February 16, 2011

On Breastfeeding, or Not

I'm at a weird crossroads where I'm not sure if I'll continue nursing Evan, or just formula-feed him. Right now he's just about half and half. My supply went all crazy after staying in the hospital and being anesthetized twice in a week (meaning I had to pump and dump, but I was too tired and in pain to do so as often as I should, I only did it when I was about to shoot boobmilk high into the night sky).

Further complicating matters is that I'll be working part-time from 2-7PM Monday-Friday starting in a couple of weeks. It's a small company with nowhere to really pump, and I would normally consider doing it in my car except that I don't have an adapter and uh, there's people constantly walking through the parking lot because it's a transportation company.

And the thing is, those are far from insurmountable obstacles. I could find a way to make it work and continue breastfeeding if I really desired to. But here's the thing: I don't.

Right now, all the super-pro breastfeeding people just heard that from hundreds, thousands of miles away, and gasped and called me a terrible parent.

But I am tired. My back hurts from the position I have to contort myself into to get Evan to eat in the middle of the night. My surgery incisions hurt when I flip the other way to switch boobs, and the stent in my bile duct is still causing me pain. I just don't enjoy it anymore because of the pain and everything that's happened and already having fed Evan formula I can say that he honestly doesn't care what he's drinking. And you know what? There's no mythical bonding experience that exists solely between a breastfeeding mom and her kid that isn't there with formula feeding. I know this because I have now done both. Evan's got a lock on my face when I feed him a bottle just the same as when he's on my boob.


So I've given myself permission to give up, but I'm still not sure if I will or not. I guess time will tell.


  1. what a sweet face. i think you should do what makes your family run best and keeps you healthy. from my own experience, only mine, i miss that infant time with my babies. since i can never get it back or experience it again i am glad i reveled in it while i could!

  2. Mommyblogger posse is busy ripping up Michele Bachmann. Don't worry.

  3. I'm all for doing what's best for your family, but have you looked into milk banks? I understand giving up on breastfeeding, I'm having a hard time weaning Em right now and I wish she'd just give up the way P did (and yes, I'm a coddler who has a hard time saying no to her kid. This will be my bad parenting fault). But maybe you'll feel better about not breastfeeding if he's still getting breast milk?